Crimes of Illiteracy

Terms that are overused, incorrect, or just plain silly

ASAP

Ever since people started tacking this onto every request, I've almost categorically ignored it. People tend to use it to mean, "This isn't urgent, but a nice capital-letter abbreviation might spark a small heart attack to help get it done soon." If there's a reason something is urgent, the reason should be made obvious - li'l ol' "ASAP" ain't gonna do the trick.

attached please find

"Hmm...let me see...I know it's here somewhere... There it is! Right behind this page that I'm looking at!" The wild goose chase (or is that a wild-goose chase?) provoked by this unnecessarily wordy phrase is something I can live without. How about "enclosed is"?

don't hesitate to call me

I always feel breathless after I read this phrase, as if I were supposed to rush right out and make the call - and as if the tiniest pause were equivalent to disobeying the command. "Please" works just fine.

during the year

Isn't it always some point "during the year"?

every effort

C'mon, is it really possible to make every effort? Try your hardest, give it your all, whatever - but don't commit to making every effort unless you are prepared to see it through. If you claim to have made "every effort" to call me and you knew I was in Mongolia, and you didn't try ringing the clerk at Tsetserleg's Khangai Hotel and knocking on the door of every ger along the way, you are lying.

good morning

It's OK to say, but make sure it's the morning. I've been greeted with this phrase long after the closing credits rolled on the noon news program.

health care

"Health care" is two words, even though every health-insurance company smushes it together as one. I especially disdain UnitedHealthcare's decision to PricewaterhouseCoopersize its name into one long, Greenlandic-looking concatenation - "United HealthCare" was bad enough. and Prudential HealthCare and the like are bad enough. And while we're at it, there's no such thing as "health care coverage." It would be "health-care coverage" anyway, but it's the health that's being covered, not the health care, so it's either "health care" or "health coverage."

in my life

This one was submitted by my mother on behalf of my uncle, whose response to such statements as "This is the best meal I've ever had in my life!" is, "Oh. But only in your life."

please note

If I weren't supposed to note it, it wouldn't be there. Save everyone two words' worth of space and time.

results not typical

Virtually every advertisement for a weight-loss program presents someone who has lost more than the amount you want to lose - and there, somewhere in the fine print, you see these three little words. No doubt the phrase is supposed to mean "These results are not typical," but what it's saying is that it's not typical to have any results at all. I certainly wouldn't join such a program!

And even if the phrase were worded correctly, wouldn't it be better to show results that were typical?

Richter scale

It always seemed a little silly to me that people describing earthquakes had to go to the trouble of saying "on the Richter scale," as if we might think some other scale were being used. It is the correct term, but it seems awfully bulky, akin to adding "of the Gregorian calendar" every time you give a date.

The good folks at channel 11 in New York made me see the light, however, when they described a Gujarat earthquake as measuring "7.9 in magnitude." At last, a version of the phrase that says the same thing and isn't too wordy! I think even "7.9 earthquake" would be equally understood.

unfortunately

I often get messages like this on my answering machine: "I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately I won't be able to make it to tonight's rehearsal because I have to meet someone for dinner."

It has nothing to do with fortune; it has a lot to do with poor planning and rudeness. If you're sick, that's unfortunate. If you're skipping out for a meeting that was planned later than the rehearsal and (as far as I'm concerned) is much less important, that's just inconsiderate.